Eric Forbes

I’ve been looking for a mate, someone to love, and the places I’ve tried so far have given me less than optimal results. So far, I’ve registered my profile in about 6 homo-friendly dating (or hook-up) sites. Here are two that I’ve been working on this month.

Chemistry.com

I gave Chemistry.com my biggest vote of confidence – a pre-paid 6 month subscription for $150 – due to its affiliation with Helen Fisher (Ph.D.) who wrote a book on CD I’m listening to: Why Him? Why Her? Helen Fisher consulted with Match.com to create a personality questionnaire that forms the backbone of their Chemistry.com site. I thought “Why not?” I liked her book. She seemed to know about relationship types and how they worked with other types. It seemed to be both scientific and quantitative – two good things in my mind.

The verdict: It’s no better and in some ways, more annoying that the other, less-scientific sites. Chemistry requires you to answer a battery of questions and ascertain your level of importance with concepts ranging from how clean you expect your partner to keep the house, to all sorts of other various and sundry items. I liked that they represented these concepts with a linear slider bar vs. hard numbers. It felt nice to adjust my answer in an analog manner. And I liked being asked questions about things that would end up determining my personality type. According to Chemistry.com, I’m a Director / negotiator type. Cool, right? But once the data had been analyzed, I was introduced to a variety of men that were completely wrong for me. I couldn’t click the “Not Really” button fast enough. And for those men who showed an interest in me (and I found unsuitable) I discovered that I am unable to click the “Not Really” interested button, since there is no choice for that in these cases. I have to wait a few days for those “interested” parties to get the hint that I’m not interested in them before they leave my list of potential suitors. I know I have high standards. And I’m not through with it just yet. I’ve just scratched the first month off of a 6 month membership. I’ve been on one date. And he had dated my not-boyfriend’s ex, who really isn’t his ex considering the amount of time they are spending together these days. Can we get some closure over here?

MilitaryFriends.com

It’s probably no surprise that a dating site with a name like MiliaryFriends.com would suck. I looked hard for a site that catered to active and retired military guys and found this one to have the most modern layout. I paid for a month just to see who was lurking inside. It’s far from a military-centric dating site – they let anyone join – and most of the people seem to have created a profile 5 years ago and haven’t been back. Their profiles are still active though, which is distracting. In one place (the text profile, for example) the guy might state that he’s a “35 year old white guy…” yet in his profile stats, it says that he’s 41 years old. How could that be? After seeing it over and over again, I finally decided that when I see the “Last visited” status of “> 1 month ago”, I can be sure that it’s more like 5 years ago. More than 1 month ago my ass! Anyway. These sites gladly take $30 to suck someone in, and have no qualms about retiring inactive accounts for users that never log in. If they did that, the site would be empty except for people thinking it was a bustling place to find like-minded men.

The Good News

I managed to compose a reasonably revealing profile during the enrollment process, complete with my picture taken on my trip to Paris where I was standing under the glass pyramid of the Louvre. The idea of appealing to military guys specifically brought back some old memories of my Navy days and that turned out to be a good thing. So although the site really sucks, I got some ideas about what I’m looking for in the process of registering my profile. Since I expect to cancel my membership as soon as I get to it, here’s the profile I wrote in hopes of finding my man:

About Me:

It’s 2010 and I’ve decided to define myself and find a partner I can grow with and be with. Why a military dating site? Where do I begin?

I remember joining the Navy by way of responding to a classified ad in the Baltimore Sun newspaper while working at my dad’s gas station. It was 1987, after a less than successful career as a Computer Engineering student in college. I wanted to do something more with my life, and knew I was smart, but what to do? The ad called to me: “Nuclear Power Field… $12,000 bonus at end of training.” I never even thought of nuclear power, but the ad spoke to me. I called the number at the bottom of the ad, never even thinking I was calling the Navy. Long story short: The Marine who answered the line spoke directly and confidently to me and asked me a few questions. I answered him, shaking the whole time, knowing that whatever was on the other end of the line, I WANTED IT. I wanted it for myself and I wanted it in the man I’d be spending my time with.

I had a great time in the Navy, did well in the Nuke program, made it to E-5 before getting a medical discharge just 3 months shy of serving 3 years. Besides the technical training (which was top notch and still useful in my job today) I made friends with some of the hardest working, most reliable men I’ve ever known since then. Could the military have trained that into them? Or did they have it before they joined? I don’t know. But I do respect discipline, cleanliness, timeliness, and above all: honesty. These seem like common sense articles, but trust me, they are in short supply.

I own a successful e-commerce business and am stable financially and otherwise. I am not like the other guys. I am fiercely independent, like things “my way” and at the same time, will yield to and support my man unlike anyone. A few years ago, I discovered I have HIV. I’m healthy and able to do anything I want. Honesty is important, right? Now, tell me about you.

About You:

I’ve heard that you get what you ask for. Here’s what I’m thinking when I think of you:

I’m sitting in my desk chair as I write this, imagining you standing behind me watching my fingers type the letters that make the words that appear in this little box “About my match” and you know these words are about you. To help me remember, you put your hand on my shoulder and stand there, casting a shadow behind me. Then you leave for awhile to give me some space, and as I see you leaving, you have that look in your eyes that says “Do your thing, bud. I’m still here.”

I realize how important is for me to have a mate that is there for me, and yet not completely dependent on me. Two men with two lives coming together is bound to be challenging at times. And yet, I know there is a man looking for me. A man who can communicate with words and with a look. A man who has had his share of struggles and defeat and yet continues to focus on what’s possible and what lies in store. A man who could quite successfully live on his own, but chooses instead to share his life with another man like him. Someone who can be trusted. Someone who knows everything about you and loves you completely. For who you are and what you’ll be.

Size matters. I’ve had some great friendships with men who were much younger, shorter and slimmer than me. But when it comes to size, I like a man who is solid and bigger than me — muscular by way of actual work vs. working out. There is nothing like doing something useful and feeling your body respond to a new task and discover muscles you didn’t know you had. It’s more important for you to BE strong instead of LOOK strong.

Clear communication is vital. Your voice is deeper and slower than mine. Some people accuse you of talking so slowly but you don’t need to impress them with fast words and quick comebacks. Your style is your own. I’ll know you by your words and the way you say them. Talk to me.

So enough kvetching about some bad online dating sites. There has to be some way to meet the man I’m looking for. It probably won’t be online. The search continues…