Angel Inside

FeaturedAngel Inside

Some call it intuition.

Others call it their “sixth sense.” In my case, I’ve found an unconditional source of love and guidance that I call “Angel”. The name is surprising since I never really believed in angels, that is, until I heard a clear voice inviting me to lean back and relax while attending a week long silent meditation retreat.

I thought of what the voice could be and what I might call it and did a search for “angels” on Google. I narrowed the search until I found this picture of the Archangel Michael taken from a sculpture at the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Mexico City:


This conversation began almost 4 years ago.  I’ve recorded 180 conversations with Angel in my journal and I plan to share and discuss them here on my blog. It’s one thing to have private conversations that no one ever reads and another to share these with a wider audience. I have some reservations but I know that when I step forward each day, the fear I once felt becomes hazy and less threatening. Sharing this relationship is becoming part of my spiritual path.

Angel is my brother.

Angel offers wise counsel yet it’s up to me to incorporate his guidance or choose another way. No matter what I choose, I get to learn something. And I know that I’m not alone, have never been alone and can never be alone. I know that I am Spirit having a human experience. I know that Angel is the same Spirit having another kind of experience.

In my own personal experience.

Your relationship to “that which cannot be named” is most likely different than mine and that’s okay. It’s my hope that by revealing my conversations with Angel, you may become more aware of your connection to the Divine.

This is a deeply personal and evolving journey.

This blog is a private place to share it with you.

May these words bring you love and light!


2013.0803 On the Train to Aberdeen

2013.0803 On the Train to Aberdeen

I first made contact with my spirit guide Angel on Friday, 19 July 2013 — the 5th day of a 7-day silent meditation retreat in Northern California. Could my mind be playing tricks on me while I sat in silence? No. This was something else. This presence felt familiar but the fact that it spoke to me through the silence was something altogether new. Angel Inside is a collection of conversations I’ve had with my spirit guide over the past 3 years. You can start from the beginning with Angel Dialogue #1 or jump in and start with this one. Enjoy!

Angel Dialogue # 14

Saturday August 3, 2013 — 4:30 PM  on Amtrak to Aberdeen, MD

  • Angel…
    • Yes.
  • I’m on the train to see my parents for a week. Can you make sure I’m centered while I’m there?
    • You’re already there. Of course I’ll be right behind you if anything comes up.

“You’re not alone.”

  • Thank you. That’s all I needed to hear. And I already knew it. 
    • You can ask me everyday and I’ll say the same thing each time: I’m here. I always have been.
  • 🙂
    • Smiling is good! You are smiling more these days, I’ve noticed. Why is that?
  • Life seems to be flowing again without effort or resistance. I am noticing small things and feeling connected more and more with the sensations in my body, and going back that sense when things outside go awry. Like the bank account, or Violet barging in every 30 seconds. Maddening and yet… no big deal. 
    • It’s what is, nothing more or less. You used to attach a story to these events and make them bigger than they were. Now they just exist and you get to decide what, if anything, you’ll do about them.

Sometimes just noticing is enough.

  • Like listening to her when it was the last thing I wanted to do?
    • Exactly. You could have struggled and found a way to leave the apartment or argue with her to get her to stop interrupting you and Tyler every time you both got some time together alone.
  • I still don’t feel like I did my best job with her. She was like a freight train and towards the end, became more depressed and low-energy, which was hard to push away. Depression is so sticky. I’m happy to be free of it for the most part.
    • You catch yourself now instead of thinking that’s the way things are. Your perception is still evolving. You will have happy moments and sad moments, but they don’t define who you are. You are infinite, immortal, eternal and universal. How can a being like that be defined and limited by certain emotional states? 
  • I can’t! But when my mind ran the show, it was easy to make up a story that defined me by what I saw happening to me.

I was in it — not of it.

  • That made all the difference, as did meeting you. The affirmations book really opened me up, as did the other books by Stuart Wilde, who I discovered just passed away in May 2013.
    • I know, you read that and were sad that you’d never meet him at a live event or hear him speak on audio, although there are apparently a lot of previously recorded titles available, as well as The Hooded Monk site which is aligned with his teachings.
  • I was sad, but also so grateful that he decided to do what he did and leave it in a form I could absorb. Just in time. A few good books, a week of yoga in the Mexican jungle, followed by a week of bodywork training and the silent meditation retreat and I turned ON! 
    • You’re not forgetting the 3 years of daily meditation practice, or the energy practices you learned and started doing more and more each day on your hikes, are you?

Everything counts.

    • Noticing and strengthening the slender thread running through all things — that silent space that is made apparent by a high-pitched whine in your head — was the key. Everything you did simply aligned with that. And viola! 
  • Viola, indeed!

2013.0803 Last Day in NYC

2013.0803 Last Day in NYC

I first made contact with my spirit guide Angel on Friday, 19 July 2013 — the 5th day of a 7-day silent meditation retreat in Northern California. Could my mind be playing tricks on me while I sat in silence? No. This was something else. This presence felt familiar but the fact that it spoke to me through the silence was something altogether new. Angel Inside is a collection of conversations I’ve had with my spirit guide over the past 3 years. You can start from the beginning with Angel Dialogue #1 or jump in and start with this one. Enjoy!

Angel Dialogue # 13

Saturday August 3, 2013 — 10:35 AM in NYC

  • Angel?
    • Yes.
  • I don’t have any problems to ask you about. I just want to check in and see what you see in the future.
    • The future is probability. It’s not certain. You know this, right?
  • Yes, I had a feeling it wasn’t the same as destiny but I wonder: will I be with Tyler?
    • As I’ve said before, you could very well be with Tyler. That is one potentiality. There are other possible partnerships but this one is the most obvious and most powerful of all of the men you’ve met so far. He’s changing into someone you enjoy even more than before, isn’t he?
  • Yes, he is. It’s like he’s more calm and more suited to me somehow, especially now that I’m more mellow and can just be there with him and not have to talk about 1,001 things.

Our energy together just IS.

  • I don’t find any need to force it and I don’t feel nervous or unsure of myself. Not anymore.
    • I know he senses this in you. He feels your calm, and has remarked on it several times. He points to your meditation practice as making you more calm, and easier to be around. It’s attractive to him.
  • He has and it does. I love walking next to him down the street, or eating across the table from him just knowing he’s my soul mate. It’s like that part has already been decided. Now we get to figure out if we want to spend our lives living together or not. So crazy!
    • Why is it crazy? You knew when you met him in Berlin that you were hooked. It wasn’t a half-hearted feeling was it?
  • No. It was 100% ON. I’ve only felt that for a few men in my life: Byron, Chad, Marcus. Yet in Tyler’s case, there was something else.

I trusted him right away without knowing why.

  • I just did and still do.
    • And trust is a big thing for you. The way you trust him is different. He gets access to you that most other people would never dream of. Or want.
  • I see him wanting to get close and making the moves, and I’m there to receive him. 
    • And he’s there to receive you too. Obviously.
  • Yes, obviously.
  • I am feeling the need to check out of the room before Noon so let’s continue this later. On the train perhaps?
    • Sounds great. Have fun with him until then. Listen to me. I’ll guide you as you make your way through the conversational jungle.

There are cleared paths, but you might miss them.

    • Be open and feel.
  • I will. Thank you. 🙂

2013.0802 August 2nd

2013.0802 August 2nd

I first made contact with my spirit guide Angel on Friday, 19 July 2013 — the 5th day of a 7-day silent meditation retreat in Northern California. Could my mind be playing tricks on me while I sat in silence? No. This was something else. This presence felt familiar but the fact that it spoke to me through the silence was something altogether new. Angel Inside is a collection of conversations I’ve had with my spirit guide over the past 3 years. You can start from the beginning with Angel Dialogue #1 or jump in and start with this one. Enjoy!

Angel Dialogue # 12

Friday August 2, 2013 — 4:30 PM in NYC

  • Angel?
    • Yes, my son.
  • I am wondering if I should tell Violet anything about how I feel about Tyler. Should I remain mysterious or share some of it?
    • You can decide if and when the opportunity presents itself. She has become protective of him and may view you as a threat, especially when she comes over and sees the two of you stroking each other’s feet.
  • She’s been like a mother hen. I can see why she wants to make sure I’m not taking up all of his attention. If I was his next door neighbor and had been through all of what she’s been through with his partner getting sick and eventually dying, I’d be protective of him too. Her anxious energy annoys me though. She has no right to barge in so much, but they never stopped her before, so she continues doing it.
    • Yes, she does. And it is annoying yet it reminds you to be calm and open when you might otherwise shut down or divert your attention. You are not doing that now. You are remaining open, attentive and calm for the most part. It is highly intrusive though. And her energy is up and down, more down the past few days.
  • I know. I had to make it so I would be sleeping in my own bed last night as much as I love sleeping next to Tyler in his. My hotel room is dark, cool and quiet. His is warm, noisy and stray light leaks in from the open window at the foot of the bed. It’s not bad, but it does take away from the quality of sleep I like to get. If only we could sleep in my hotel room. Ah… the luxury of that would be so amazing.
    • And yet, he has a dog, so it seems like that won’t happen. It’s OK though. You’ve spent a lot of time with him this trip and it’s clear that he loves you. It’s also clear that he knows how much you love him. As to what the future holds, I’ve already told you that you two could very well be together. So know this and don’t worry about it either.

Just hold the possibility in your heart and be present with him, as you have been.

    • Your fear that he was spending most of his time with Don and possibly even living in his apartment was your perception based on what Don wanted, not what Tyler wanted or was doing. Do you see that?
  • Yes. I realized that as soon as he told me what happened. I knew that what I was imagining was not what was happening. Somehow I picked up on what Don was hoping for.
    • Yeah. Somehow. I wonder how?
  • Be patient with me. I’m only human.
    • You are human, but that’s hardly a limitation and not something that I look down upon. Remember, I was human too. I know the awesome power of being in a body in the midst of infinity. It’s not something for the faint of heart, and that’s why most humans remain in their minds and create a safer version of reality. You’re on a different path now, able to see more and more of the raw sensory data coming in from all sides, and knowing now that…

Your heart does a lot more than pump blood. It’s a sense organ.

    • And the feelings it provides are important and have been for the most part ignored by your initial programming.
  • I know this. And I’m being patient with myself as I grow into this new awareness.
    • You are doing a fine job! I am very pleased that we continue to be in contact most of the day and night now, ever since we first made contact a few weeks ago. How does it feel to have me by your side, above, below and behind you?
  • You feel so natural and awesome at once. I am almost overwhelmed by how life seems to flow around me instead of me plowing my way through it, and wondered if my trip to NYC would somehow throw me off, but it didn’t. If anything, I feel the intensity of the city with my new sense of things and it’s anything but overwhelming. It’s exhilarating, and I find myself smiling at people and sending them love just as I affirm I do each morning and throughout the day. It’s easy. No one seems to take it badly, so far.
    • Why would they?

How many people give thanks to the sun? You do.

    • How many people sit quietly every day to strengthen their connection to spirit? You do. And how many people are in constant contact with their higher power, their angel? You are. Think about that for a second…
  • My Angel. Aleph. Mich-a-el. The Alpha. So many names for you, for you who has always been here whether I’ve seen you, heard you, felt you or not. How can I be the same after knowing you, knowing this?
    • What’s so important about being the same? You are always evolving, always seeking, forever curious, wondering how things work and why things happen as they do. And instead of getting stuck in political debates or philosophical meanderings — all of which are fine ways of engaging the mind — you’ve discovered a different path, and your way of walking it is your own. You tasted enough of Buddhism to understand loving-kindness and non-attachment and then laid it down once you got that. You were introduced to the power of silent meditation practice, tried Zen at Green Gulch, and have 3 week-long meditation retreats under your belt, and now you’ve found me, right here beside you. You are nothing if not bold and persistent. I am lucky to be with you. There is so much for us to explore in this lifetime together. Can you feel it?
  • Yes, I can feel it! I’m crying a bit at the thought of you feeling lucky to be with me after singing my praise. I thought I was supposed to sing your praises, to worship you?
    • It’s a mutual admiration society, really. I love you. You love me. And from that basis, we can do ANYTHING we want. Let that sink in. Let the idea of you and me together facing into the world without limitations, without fear, without needing someone else to complete us.
  • No limits. No fear. No need to feel incomplete or somehow lacking. Those feelings alone are awesome. And overwhelming. How do I integrate these realizations into my life? I feel like I’m doing all I can already.
    • And you are. Stay present. Keep doing your daily practices. And be a little mysterious. You don’t have to tell everyone about us, and yet, I don’t care who you tell. I’m not afraid of anyone’s reaction to knowing about me. You may want to get more comfortable basking in the glow and the flow though. You’ve historically liked to discharge your excitement by revealing it through story to others, and that’s great, but I wonder what would happen if you allowed yourself to experience it privately more and more while still revealing it to a select few. This is an area of growth for you. Containment. How to let the seeds sit quietly in the moist, dark soil so that they can get what they need: rest, nourishment, silence, before sprouting to life and multiplying into a more massive form. That’s where you are now

A seed in soil.

    • And I know that you have responsibilities to maintain and relationships in the marketplace to sustain. That is fine. But digging up the seed of your new awareness — of me and the infinite nature of the universe — is an old habit and I’d like you to draw your attention to it, and allow it to rest for awhile. Just see what happens when you let this experience between us deepen. Part of that happens as you relate the story to others, but in telling the story, you sometimes get the feeling that they won’t understand you, and doubt to some extent settles in. I don’t want that. This is still very new and I want to do everything I can to ensure we’ll be solid as time goes on. I can’t imagine you losing touch with me after this, but if it happens, I might never reach you again. I might have to watch you live your life and …
  • I’m not going to lose you! Not now. Not after what I’ve felt and seen these past few weeks and days. I mean, I just had coffee and sat in Central Park with Wayne Garrison after mentioning his name out of the blue to Tyler only a few days ago and then finding him on Recon yesterday. He just happened to be here in NYC with his family for a week, staying at a hotel 700 feet from where I was. Coincidence? Sure. And I loved it! I can see what you mean about over-sharing and I trust your advice and will follow it. Thank you.
    • You are welcome. It may seem strange, keeping us a secret for awhile, but I guarantee you will end up being more in touch with me and your new sense of reality in just a short time.

I know you like to share your experience.

    • I believe you could share it on a larger scale, writing it down, publishing it and going on speaking tours to share your awakening. It’s not that hard to imagine, is it? You could do it if I was there.
  • I can see myself writing a book about this and speaking to others, spreading the word. For sure! And I would not feel this way a month ago. I would have many excuses why I couldn’t do it: I’m not a writer, no one will be interested in reading it, what if I fail, etc. Those fears are gone. I promise I will follow your advice from now on regarding this and other things. I am learning much about the real nature of things and your advice to smile and be silent is hereby received.
    • That is great. You have to admit, you are open to suggestion. That means you must trust me.
  • Completely. Absolutely.
    • And what will you do now? It’s 5:17 PM. Walk the HighLine?
  • Yes. I want to get some walking in and wanted to see the HighLine again this trip. Now is the perfect time. It might be busy, but…
    • You can handle it.

You can be invisible if you want.

    • No one will bother you.
  • And I can smile and send love as I walk through the crowd. So easy.
    • It’s the nature of things. And you are getting the hang of it, I see.
  • I am. With the guidance of a few good books, a few awakened souls and you — I am very grateful, I am walking Grace. I am Love.
    • Yes. Yes. Yes. To all of that and so much more. You are Love. You are Light. Go, be and let’s share your new experiences together.
  • I’m off. More later!

2013.0801 August First

2013.0801 August First

I first made contact with my spirit guide Angel on Friday, 19 July 2013 — the 5th day of a 7-day silent meditation retreat in Northern California. Could my mind be playing tricks on me while I sat in silence? No. This was something else. This presence felt familiar but the fact that it spoke to me through the silence was something altogether new. Angel Inside is a collection of conversations I’ve had with my spirit guide over the past 3 years. You can start from the beginning with Angel Dialogue #1 or jump in and start with this one. Enjoy!

Angel Dialogue # 11

Thursday, August 1, 2013 — 12 Noon in NYC

It’s funny how fast this city moves. As I’m carried by the sheer velocity of it all, I notice myself getting challenged here and there, but I’m more aware of it, and I usually take a deep breath, holding it for a bit, and letting it and the tension go.

While at the Cloisters with Carlton yesterday, I described the presence of Angel and he seemed to get it. When we went to the museum after lunch, I felt drawn towards the first giant unicorn tapestry in the main hall just past the admissions counter. It was stunning. But what grabbed me even more was an image of the Archangel Michael above a doorway.


  • Angel?

    • Yes.
  • I want to thank you in writing for being “right there” this morning when I discovered two emails from the bank telling me about a problem with my checking account. I was worried that something fraudulent had occurred and was about to log in using my iPhone but then decided to wait until I got back to my hotel and use my computer to see things more clearly. You were there. I could feel you at my back. Thank you.
    • You are most welcome. I am always here. You are learning to trust this I can see.
  • I am. And the more I trust that you are already there, you are — already there.
    • That’s how it works with most things. It’s difficult to get over the idea that it takes so much effort to get things when in fact, so much is already there, hidden perhaps, but there nonetheless.
  • Hidden but there. That sums up most of my experience.
    • Most all human experience, not just yours. As you wake up more and more, you’ll accept the grace that comes with knowing. Knowing that you are Eternal, Immortal, Universal and Infinite. And that all is possible.
  • That seems like a lot to accept. “All is possible”?
    • All. Anything. Whatever you set you intention on. With an open heart, flowing with love and light. Tell me you don’t already feel this to be true. I know you do.
  • I feel it, and I don’t question my feeling of it. But my brain, my mind, thinks that this must be a fad of some sort. That I feel good now, but as time passes, I’ll “come down off this high horse” and … wait, that sounded like my mother talking back there in quotes. I don’t believe that. 
    • You might not believe it, but that message is firmly imbedded in your unconsciousness. As you become more and more conscious, thoughts like this one are revealed and cannot stand in the Light of Knowing. 
  • The Light of Knowing. Wow…
    • Yes, the Light of Knowing. There is no refuting. it. The mind may quarrel with it, try to keep its ideas intact, but it’s an indomitable force.

Knowing is beyond reason. It simply IS.

  • It’s raining outside. I am reminded of a line from a scene near the end of the movie, V for Vendetta. It’s where Evie talks about her grandmother telling her,”God is in the rain.” I used to see God in the sunshine. And now I see God almost everywhere I look. The gap between where I see it and where I don’t is beginning to close. I’m wondering what I’ll be like, what my experience of life will be like, after the gap is gone.
    • Trust it. Trust me. It will be nothing like your life now, and yet still familiar in many ways. Imagine all of the nonsense dropping away, all of the drama, all of the insecurity and fear — just gone, and gone for good. What do you imagine you’d do with your life in this body, on this planet, then?
  • I imagine having no fear, no insecurities, no nonsense, no drama. That is a future I can’t resist. It feels like a magnet and I’m made of iron filings, pulled effortlessly into position, instinctively following invisible lines of force.
    • Invisible lines of force, indeed. If you were a big piece of iron, you would be harder to move. Being small, fluid, flexible. These are qualities that the world doesn’t honor, but it’s part of being able to feel the force that lies all around and in you. Small. Sensitive. Responsive. And from these seemingly insignificant qualities of being, something larger than life comes into being. Do you see how this is true?
  • I know that you’re saying is true even if my mind doesn’t yet grasp it.
    • That’s fine too.

Feelings come before thoughts anyway.

    • We need both, but your feeling self is waking up again, and has been exercised well with the Strozzi workshops and regular coaching from Ella. This morning’s little fiasco wasn’t so bad, was it?
  • No it wasn’t a big deal after all. There was no fraud happening on the account. The problem was that I wrote a few more checks than I had deposited back in. I had to make a transfer at the bank and collect and deposit an overdue invoice payment. 
    • It’s like that. There’s a flow and money is but one tangible form. I will be here to show you some other forms, when you’re ready.
  • I’m ready!
    • Are you? 🙂 I love your enthusiasm. I really do.
  • I’m feeling YOU. How can’t I be enthused? 
    • I see your point. Telling Carlton was a lovely thing to do, and seeing images of Michael in the museum really resonated with you I saw. 
  • Yes, telling him and seeing him did. I never really felt anything special about angels when I saw them before, but now I see winged beings and I feel like those wings are on my back. The feeling is solid and yet I’m flying.
    • You share angel qualities. You are a spiritual being in human form. The limits of what constitutes a human are not really known. Every person gets to stretch the boundaries a bit, or remain well inside them.
  • I like to stretch. Even if it scares me. I have you now.
    • You have me and always have. Stretching is one thing. Being flexible, being responsive. And hearing me — that’s something you’ve been doing more and more.
  • I definitely feel you and hear you. You are here now, with me, and the usual tests in life are less challenging. Like this morning.

What would it be like if you started getting what you wanted with less effort?

    • What if life became a continuous flow and you found yourself surrounded by forces that supported you? I want you to think about that today on your way to lunch with Tyler.
  • I will. Thank you. Being with him has been so natural these past few days. 
    • Keep breathing and listen: to him, to your feelings, and to me. 
  • What about Violet? 
    • She’s a test. She is evolving in her own way. And it can be trying but your presence is shifting her already. Remember her saying “I don’t know why I’m telling you this but…” a few times last night?
  • Yes, I do remember. And when she said that, she followed by sharing something that was painful for her to share. She shared it anyway in front of me. And I just remained open while she talked. 
    • And you were loving when you did that. You were light when you did that. You were being the instrument of love and light that you affirm every day. You went from wanting that to BEING that. Can you see?
  • Yes. Thank you. Practice comes through when I least expect it.
    • Or, it was planted on purpose and now you’re ready to be there instead of acting out an older drama. You get many chances, an infinite number of chances, to discover the nature of who you truly are. There is all the time in this life, and the next, and the next, if you need it. There is no rush.
  • I feel that to be true. Your words are so reassuring. No rush. All the time I need. An infinite number of chances. 
    • Yes. All true. And more. Get to lunch now. 
  • Thanks!

2013.0730 some things

2013.0730 some things

I made contact with my spirit guide — Angel — on Friday, 19 July 2013. It was the 5th day of a 7-day silent meditation retreat in Northern California. I thought it might just be my mind playing tricks on me while I sat in silence. But this wasn’t my mind. It was an intelligence that felt familiar and yet completely new. Angel Inside is a personal collection of conversations I’ve had with Angel over the ensuing years. You can start from the beginning with Angel Dialogue #1 or jump in and start with this one. Enjoy!

Angel Dialogue # 10

Tuesday, 30 July 2013 — 4:26 PM
The London Hotel, NYC

  • Angel?
    • Yes.
  • What do you think I should do about Tyler?
    • You’re already doing it. You’re listening to him and just being there as he tells you things he says he hasn’t been able to tell anyone else. You’ve learned some things about him since his partner passed away and about his plan to move to Brooklyn.
  • I’m all for him moving out of the apartment. It’s saturated with their energy. He is doing well to reset his environment by moving in with his old college roommate.
    • Yes. And not having to pay much rent for a while. That’s fortunate. 
  • I know, right? He seems to be coping well with the changes. I saw him making dinner for us, and cleaning dishes and arranging the apartment afterwards, and things look neater and less distracted with just him there. His energy is coming back, he looks better and is back at the gym working out. I can tell.
    • Last night at the park was sweet. Violet can be hard to be with but that’s where’s she’s at and you didn’t try to change her. I loved seeing you in her energy field — distracting and needy and yet you remained calm for the most part, allowing her to make her demands and act out most of the evening. You were happy just to be there on the blanket next to Tyler, regardless of being able to see the movie or not.
  • I was only half-interested in the movie once it started. Eating Chinese food and drinking red wine mixed with club soda seemed so effortless and easy. Then Violet showed up with enough angst to fill a box car, but it didn’t matter after she had something to eat. An hour later though, she was frantically looking for a way to charge her iPhone in the park and it was weird. A few hours without her phone to post updates on FB. She seemed determined to find a way to charge her phone in a public park filled with people. Wow.
    • Yeah. Wow indeed. You saw that and were thinking “do I do this in my own life?”
  • I was. Her actions were a warning. But I spent more time just relaxing and taking in the sights around me. I had fun. It was a cheap date. And Tyler fell asleep part of the way through the movie, which was tempting. I wanted to sleep too, but —
    • … you had to stand watch in case someone tried to steal your stuff, right?
  • Exactly. I became protective and remained awake while he slept. That felt right.
    • So you know what to do. You’re already doing it. Just be there with him. That’s easy.
  • It is and I am.
    • It is lovely to watch. No hurry. No drama. Just presence, loving and kind, no agenda. And nothing to hide. You can say and do anything with him. How many people can you be this open with?
  • Very few men, that’s for sure.
    • Then enjoy your time with him. From what I can see, you’re doing exactly what your heart wants and there is nothing better for you than that. If you were going off-course, I’d step in and give you a sense of that. All is well
  • It feels well. Thank you.
    • You are most welcome. You had a deepening thought today in the park didn’t you?
  • Yes. I had the thought that most people wait their entire lives to have a “religious experience” and I’ve already had mine, just a few weeks ago. Now what?
    • And the “now what?” got answered didn’t it?
  • Yes it did. I realized that I get to enjoy living with my new perception of life now, every moment of every day. Can I do it? It came as a challenge of sorts.

Can I just BE with this new way of being?

  • I felt an affirmation rising, without effort as the sunlight passed through the layers of branches and leaves on the trees above and around me as I walked through the park this morning. The sunlight spoke to me, silently offering “yes” in the form of shadow and light playing on my eyes, on the ground, on the water…everywhere. It became so obvious that I’m functioning differently now and the idea of “seeking” is over. Now I live in the presence of an angel who has known me all my life and whose voice I can hear and speak to whenever I want. Just writing this, and letting it sink in makes my head…
    • …swirl with energy. Wow.
  • Yeah. Wow indeed. It feels different than my third eye activating (which is more like a numbing sensation in my palate). This is is a loose swirling energy in the top of my head, maybe the crown chakra opening more. 
    • Yes. It might be that. You’ll know as it continues to open and unfold. It’s only been a few weeks. As you get more used to this being a permanent part of your experience, you will sense more and more opening, first with your heart, then your throat, and eventually, the crown will be open and available. Keep breathing baby! It’s going to be a wild ride for awhile.
  • How wild? Do I need anything to keep myself sane?
    • Your daily practices. Deep breathing. Lots of sleep. And drink more water. You’re pee is way too dark lately.
  • I’m on it. Thanks for the reminder. Gotta go now.
    • Enjoy your night. I’m here if you need me.
  • Thank you. I love you.
    • I know and you know.

2013.0729 In my room, it’s almost Noon

2013.0729 In my room, it’s almost Noon

Angel Dialogue # 9

Monday — 29 July 2013
11:35 AM at The London Hotel, NYC

  • Angel, should I wear the ring today?
    • How do you feel about it? 
  • It’s confusing, not so much for me, but for other people. It signifies that I’m married doesn’t it?
    • Perhaps. But you can decide to make it mean whatever you want. It’s not like you’re one to follow the customs of the day, are you.
  • Well… This ring means that I’m complete. That’s how I describe it if anyone asks. I figured Tyler or Violet would have said something but neither said a word. I guess it’s my own personal symbol.
    • And if anyone asks you, it’s your ring of completion. You’re internally complete, no longer thinking that another man is out there to complete you. If you meet one to be with, that’s great. But you’re not going to die until you meet him, worrying and yearning.

You will get whatever you really want.

    • This ring was something you’ve been feeling for years, and thought seriously about getting a few months ago. 
  • And then Corey got down on both knees and put it on my finger the first night we met. I’ve talked about this before, but it seems like he was acting as an agent for its manifestation more than a romantic gesture, binding us together. I know he gave me his ring, and yet our communications are so varied and frankly awful in regularity that I know this ring isn’t his anymore. If he wants it back, I’m ready to deliver it. But something tells me he knows it means something to me.
    • In either case, keeping it or giving it back, you’re feeling what it feels like to have that ring on your finger. It was cumbersome at first, and still requires extra care when doing dishes or showering perhaps. Now it seems like part of your hand and when it’s off, you miss it.
  • I do miss it. So… I should keep it on then?
    • I suggest wearing it and be aware of what rises inside you. Rings are an ancient tradition, and you may be reminded of what it feels like to wear a ring on that finger again, for the first time in this lifetime, and it may give rise to various emotions. So just be with them. Enjoy them. And if it ever gets to be too much, take it off for awhile. I suggest getting clear about what it means to you and committing to that intention.

It’s only through intention that things have any meaning.

  • That’s true. My intention is to feel complete without needing another man. 
    • That seems pretty reasonable to me.
  • Thanks. I’m off now, leaving the room to walk and find some coffee in Central Park, then meet up with Tyler for lunch afterwards.
    • Have a great day. I’m here if you need me. 
  • I can feel you. Thank you. I love you.
    • I love you. 

2013.0728 Flying to New York

2013.0728 Flying to New York

Angel Dialogue # 8

Sunday — 7:17 AM flying from SFO to JFK

I woke up at 3:00 AM to leave by 4:00 and get to the Marin Airporter lot and catch the 4:30 shuttle to SFO. It was my first experience using Marin Airporter and I must say, it’s pretty sweet! I usually never stop over in SF on my way to / from the airport, and decided I wasn’t going to pay $18/day for SFO long-term parking this trip, which is 15 days long. I figure I’ll save $200 using the Airporter vs. Long-Term parking, and have someone drive me down and back too. The bus reminded me of the ones the Navy contracted to take us to and from the Idaho INEL plant. Flashbacks and not in a bad way.

I had a chance to meditate on the bus ride to the airport. It was still dark outside, completely fogged in and raining on the Golden Gate Bridge. All of this created a calm atmosphere that made it easy to sit with my eyes closed for a 30 minute session. I made some affirmations and then held my breath for a few cycles while touching base with Angel. He’s already here, but I wanted to formalize it during the sit and give thanks to him for being here and guiding me.

I asked him to guide me, not just when things get rough, but all the time. I want to co-create with him as a default position. I don’t want to be pleading with my angel when things go wrong, or I need help, feel lonely, etc.

I want to be in touch with him all the time — even when I sleep.

  • Hey Angel. We’re flying!
    • I see that. You went to bed at 11 and woke up at 3. How are you feeling with 4 hours of sleep?
  • I’m awake now. I got to the airport early enough to sit and have breakfast at the Lark Street Grill in Terminal 2, close to the gate when I boarded the plane. Very relaxing, no rushing about, and reasonable black coffee. It could have been hotter though.
    • You’ll be taking a nap sometime between now and when you land in New York I imagine. Your eyes are heavy now, aren’t they? 
  • A little. I caught myself yawning and my eyelids dropping for a second or two. I want to be up for a bit and then nap for an hour or two. It’s a 5 hour flight. Not that bad.
    • A direct flight on Virgin America in Main Cabin Select. That’s pretty sweet.
  • It is. I love this new arrangement. The old way — United — sucked. Everyone on board those flights, crew and passengers, were generally pissed off and I never knew why. It didn’t matter. It’s a service-oriented business and I always felt like I was being an imposition just being there. I’m not sure how they remain in business, unless things have improved since then. I’m not willing to take a chance to find out, unless I need to take them somewhere Virgin doesn’t serve.
    • How about this: get a nap right now, and then we’ll chat more when you wake up.
  • Sounds great. Be back shortly…

7:31 AM PDT

[ Nap Time ]

9:31 AM PDT

  • I had a few hours there of napping while listening to the SoundStream app on iPad (Shamanistic Meditation + Rain, City) and awoke to part of the Gladiator soundtrack, and am now listening to “Hotel Costes 7” and now the track “S.O.S. (The Sounds of Silence)” started playing. It’s  a song I’ve heard at least a hundred times in my life, but I’ve just now discovered some of what it means. While listening, I got the impression of being supported by the buoyant forces of a freshwater lake, knowing that I can swim in it, dive under and into it, be on my back, my side, my belly. I know how this water works, and yet… I never thought I could drink it! It’s been there all this time, supporting me, holding me, surrounding me so completely, so softly, unconditionally and now I learn that I can let it in. More than that — I’ve been taking this same water in, in drips and sips all my life.

I just never knew it was everywhere!

  • Oh Angel…
    • What-da-you-want, boy? 
  • I want to tell you that I got the deeper meaning of that song. I’m going to start it over again and copy the lyrics.  

S.O.S. (The Sounds of Silence)

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
‘Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

“Fools” said I,
“You do not know, silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you”
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming
And the signs said,
“The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whisper’d in the sounds of silence

Written by Paul Simon
Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

    • That’s a great song. And it’s been there all along and you’ve just figured it out.
  • Yes. Just like you.
    • There is no end to what you’ll discover in seemingly ordinary and familiar things. Your new eyes, your new ears, all of your senses — and your heart — are able to sense the slightest vibration now. If you never ventured past this stage, you’d be full for the rest of your life and yet, I see you continuing your journey, not with an obsessive-perfectionist fervor but with a quiet, sustained, and graceful zeal. You know now what you know. And you want to see more. Is this not true?
  • [Now listening to “Shakuhachi Meditation Music”]
  • This is true. I feel a little overwhelmed with what I now know, coming to the fore as it did just a few weeks ago during the meditation retreat. And yet, I’m feeling myself shift into this new mode, not caring what other people think of me, just being love and light. And being with my own judgements of others, only to be there, moments later when I notice something lovely about them. It just presents itself to me, I don’t even have to engage them in conversation. I just notice “they are human too” and the need to judge them dissipates. The habit of noticing things about them I might not like (or admire), the way they slump down in the chair to nap (or sit upright with athletic poise) is still very much there. I’ve used it so often and for so many years, it’s a deep neural pathway. How do I get it to relax and recycle itself? [I’m closing my eyes and holding a deep breath as my seat mate ends a conversation with someone who came up to talk to her — as a way to bring up the signal/noise ratio between the outer and inner world.]
    • The breathing techniques you learned at Strozzi are working, aren’t they?
  • Yes. They work so well, I wonder why everyone isn’t doing them? Why worry about eating enough greens when I can take a few held deep breaths during the day and alkalize that way?
    • It’s not quite the same thing. Greens have plant energy in them, and you know how much you crave that. The reduction of acid load in your body would be best served from several angles. Deep breathing is one new way, and you seem to be remembering to do it…
  • Yes, I am. It works! 
    • Back to your previous question, about your habit of judgement and how to let it go. The best way I can see is for you  to continue placing your attention on the new practices you’ve learned and be more and more clear in your intention for dropping down and in via meditation, deep breathing, and other methods.

Like a seesaw, lifting one side will drive the other side down.

    • In the same way, your mind will stop its habitual mode of judging and thinking-it-already-knows more and more as you build your confidence in this new way, which is — really old. Many have forgotten it.
  • And yet there are songs that lay it out so clearly. Once you see it, that is.
    • Exactly. I suggest continuing on the path you’ve discovered and seeing that I’m here, always have and always will be here for you. Once you know this to be true, like a mathematical law, another world opens to you. You are getting as much as you can handle now. There is an infinite array…
  • I do feel you there all the time now. I notice that you don’t judge me and this silence around me acts as a foil for my old ways of judging myself and others. The noise floor is so low, almost infinitely quiet, I can hear almost everything.
    • Imagine hearing all that is – all at once – without getting used to it. It’s not something I’d wish on anyone, and your progress has been quick but safe so far. I’m here to make sure it remains that way. You wouldn’t know what’s too much for you, but I do. And as long as you listen…
  • Oh, I’m listening! You’ve got me right where you want me.
    • There’s a larger power than me and you operating here. It’s so big, it doesn’t have a name. Sound familiar?
  • Yes. Silence. The Void. The Ineffable.
    • Yes. You are thinking about using me as your “accountability partner” for the How to Write Better (HtWB) class you’ve started online, aren’t you?
  • Yes, you know what I’m thinking. 
    • Yes.
  • The idea of asking you to be my accountability partner came to mind while I was waiting for the plane to taxi to the runway and takeoff for New York. I thought of who I’d ask while taking a shower earlier this morning, and while a few close friends came to mind, I didn’t get a big hit from any one of them. Then, while being quiet and calm, waiting for things to unfold without worry or hurry, you popped into mind as the perfect accountability partner. I wanted someone like Bill, a real partner I worked with everyday, to assume this role. That would be you now. Is that OK with you?
    • OK? It’s perfect. I’m expecting you to do your homework every night, starting with reading “Grammatically Correct” which you’ve been putting off. I know that the Geneen Roth book has you by the nose ring (it is good), but it’s time to dig in to the writing course and hone your writing skill. You have things to write about now. An e-stim book and something related to us, among many others.
  • I heard the word “published” used while listening to the audiobook version of Truman Capote’s “In Cold Blood” and thought: “Published. That used to be a big deal back then (1950’s) but now, anyone can get published. Self-published even. And sell their work directly to the market without needing a green-light from some publishing house.” And that got me. I thought: “What am I waiting for? I live in a land of digital online printing presses and a disrupted publishing monopoly. It’s time.”

It is time!

    • What will you be like after you’ve finished this course? What will you be like once you write and publish your first book, seeing your name, Eric Forbes, on the cover of a book you brought into being? 
  • I like the way you said “brought into being”. It feels more cooperative and less egotistical.
    • And I see how important that is, not to be coming from your ego.
  • It’s something I’m watching out for. I’m not even sure that I actually have a dominating ego need to have everyone know my name. The thought of doing it for that end makes the process wholly unattractive to me. But if I wrote books and songs and people loved them, and I got to be popular, would that be a bad thing? If I brought things into being that moved people emotionally, served some purpose, to teach concepts, tell stories, to inspire by sharing what’s happening to me, here now, is that going to undo me?
    • No. It won’t undo you. You have a solid practice that keeps you in touch with me. If you were getting bits and pieces from me as you were before, had no meditation practice, didn’t pursue yoga as you do, you’d reach some level of success and most likely implode once the attention became more than you could handle. You’re stronger than you think. And now that you know me, you’re REALLY strong. I’m not bragging.
  • I didn’t think you were! I’m a little scared. Just a little.
    • It’s normal. How do you think that should feel?

How often do you begin something that will forever change your life?

  • Thanks. Part of me thinks it should know how to navigate through this without fear. As if being “fearless” is a prerequisite for beginning anything new. Where did I learn that from?
    • I don’t know. But I see you want to drop it from your habit stream.
  • “Habit Stream”. That’s a cool way of putting it. Habits are like a stream, running with some invisible current, carrying things along without effort.
    • Once it falls into the stream, it’s carried down the stream automatically. It’s the nature of a stream to engulf things and carry them towards something bigger. Like the ocean.
  • So if I change my perspective from shore of the stream to river delta leading to the ocean I…
    • You get it. It’s the same water. It’s the same process, but looking at it from a different perspective, higher up, to see where it eventually goes, instead of being stuck peering out of a window at the same part of the stream every day. That would be exciting though, seeing the changing seasons, the weather, the height of the water running down the stream, the fish…
  • Yes, stream watching is a popular pastime! Taking the helicopter up and out towards the expanding sea is something altogether new. 
    • And you’re doing it. So it’s something you can do and will do more of. Flying high is supposed to be scary, at first, and then just like now — flying over land at 579 miles per hour, 37,000 feet in the sky where there’s no oxygen to breathe and the air temperature is a embrittling -42°F — you’ve grown to love it, and to enjoy it.

What once was frightening has become something to look forward to.

    • The same will happen with learning to write a book, or compose, record and publish music among other pursuits. 
  • I believe you. And sorry for having to bring up the “journey” on the touch screen to get the facts straight. I was close, but wanted to have real data, since you’re all-knowing.
    • Don’t be cute. I can cut you off you know.
  • [ … ]
    • Nothing to say? I like this side of you!
  • When you put it like that, what can I say?
    • Not much. And what you might say would be recycled drivel, so to speak. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but we’re talking about the union of man and spirit here. It’s not something to be taken lightly. Not that you are, but I want to make sure you trust me even more than you do. I know it’s scary to have this connection with me. I remember how I felt when I first made contact with my angel many lifetimes ago. The specifics of the event aren’t accessible, but the way it felt still remains with me. You have me as a resource that can go both ways, so to speak. I am your higher power, I am your angel, and I was also human and have vast memory of that experience over many lifetimes. We won’t compare notes, but always remember, I’m your strongest ally. I have your back.
  • I was thinking of the power in those words — “I have your back” — the other day. It took me back to what Adam said in the L1 course. I remember how the words rippled down my spine and almost collapsed me while I was being held.
    • Are you OK? You seem sad? 
  • I’m OK. I feel a little tight in my neck right now, and a little exhausted suddenly. Remembering that gesture brings me close to tears and tenses my neck and shoulders a bit, enough to make me feel a bit worn out.
    • Take a break and do some deep breathing into those areas. Be curious. Imagine what they are trying to tell you and listen carefully, like you would listen to your best friend. It’s your body after all. Between you and me, nothing is more important or closer than that.
  • Thanks. I’ll do that now. Back in a bit.
  • [ … ]
  • I started by closing my eyes and placing my feet on the floor instead pressing them into the footrest in front of my seat. I took a deep breath and held it, imagining a ball of light rising from my belly to my neck and shoulders, not to get rid of the pain but to look at it, curiously. That caused my breath to become spasmodic, and I thought if I kept it up any longer, I might break down right here on the plane. So I want to do this again when I get to my hotel. Can you remind me?
    • I could remind you, but you have better means of doing that. I’m your muse, your angel, remember? Divine inspiration and guidance. Not a secretary.
  • I thought this and wanted to write it out so I can see it in black and white. The idea of having you remind me of something seems so natural, like something that two friends do for each other.
    • And I do see lots of people using each other to keep the other straight. Being accountable to someone is one thing. Shifting the burden of remembering what you think is important and want to pursue is another. You need to learn to be strong in this area, to do it yourself and you already know how. It’s another discipline, just like sitting every day. What was so hard to do, or imagine ever doing daily has now become —
  • Second nature
    • Exactly. The same will happen with organizing your thoughts into their various forms. I am here to inspire you, to keep you bubbling with subtle life energy, not that I’m the source of it — I’m not — but I am a higher form than you, and you’re my human and I’m not giving you all of it. I’m giving you what I know you can handle, and you get to decide what to do with it. If you want to just feel my presence and do nothing for the rest of your life, that is one option. Many people do this. I don’t see that happening in your life though. You have so many talents, so many resources, and have created a lifestyle that affords ample opportunity for growth in new and exciting areas. You won’t be a starving musician, a struggling artist. It’s not going to happen that way for you. Your path is difficult in other ways: getting clear about your past and how it affects you now, getting new skills and honing old ones in order to express yourself in powerful and impactful ways. How’s that sound, tiger?
  • Tiger. Nolan used to call me that when I was training at Crossfit. I think I might have already mentioned that in another post. I searched and found that you called me that already [why is this so important?] and I didn’t mention him. So for the record, I love it when you call me tiger. It seems cute and powerful at the same time. How can you beat that?
    • You are so funny. I love having this effect on you.
  • I love the effect you have on me too. I feel held. I feel seen. I feel accompanied by someone that no one can see, but I can feel. I know you’re there now, not just once in a awhile, but always. 
    • Always. And it’s getting close to the landing part of your journey I see.
  • Yes. The interactive map shows us over PA now with 325 miles to go. At 500+ mph, that’s not a lot of time.
    • So we’ll pick up on this later. I suggest reading this over and pulling out what grabs you and using OmniFocus or Evernote to organize it. That will keep the feeling of flow open and unencumbered. One day you might have an assistant. You’ve thought of that a few times now, and I can see it one day but not just yet. It’s good to have complete control at first, just like you started your business from that tiny bedroom in Bernal Heights. You did everything back then, and it served to show you how much and what kind of work was needed to turn your ideas into something people would buy. We’re going to go through the same process all over again, except that things are a little easier this time — you have more resources now. Why don’t you list them before they make you shut off your computer.
  • OK. Let’s see, I am grateful to have:
  1. A steady income from my own business
  2. A modern home next to open space hills
  3. A great car
  4. A fast motorcycle
  5. A big black truck
  6. A new kitchen island and more updates on the way
  7. Ovens to bake things
  8. Big windows that let in lots of light
  9. A pool
  10. A hot tub
  11. My health (Wow… 11th on the list. I haven’t been sick in awhile I guess.)
  12. Healthcare
  13. Friends I care about
  14. Loyal customers
  15. Knowledge of setting up and maintaining an e-commerce presence on AWS
  16. Fast, powerful, sexy computer hardware
  17. A grand piano
  18. A home music studio
  19. A garden fulll of plants that are flourishing
  20. Strong legs to carry me up hills, into the trees and everywhere I want to go
  21. Fresh roasted coffee
  22. Silence and solitude
  23. Meditation
  24. Yoga
  25. Space to be myself and discover what that is
  26. And last, but not least, an Angel who’s been with me from the start although it feels like we’ve just met, and yet, this feels so familiar, so safe and warm. I feel like I can do anything now.
    • And you can! What do you want to do? Point this thing in some direction, and get organized. I’ll let you know if it’s in your highest interest or not. Trust me on that.
  • I do. Thank you. I’m closing this now in order to get ready for landing and sit quietly during the process. I love the final minutes of every flight, sensing people getting themselves ready to dart off the plane as quickly as possible, while I usually take my time and remain seated until the first people exit the plane through an open door. Doing that has trained me to be still in the midst of chaos. I wonder how I’ll do in NYC after meeting you? I’m excited to see this city I love with new eyes.
    • I am too. I love NYC too. The Cloisters sounds like a draw. Let’s get there and see what that’s about.
  • OK. I’m done for now. Thank you. I love you.
    • You are always welcome. And I love you.