Confidential

Three years have passed since my last blog post and I confess:

I just deleted the poem I wrote a few days ago, something personal, between me and a handsome man who lives online, far away.

I named the poem after him, or rather his screen name. I felt an expanding wave of relief and joy in expressing such intense feelings for him out in the open. It felt reasonable and right to let others see what I was feeling about a man who might not be all that interested in me.

I knew that posting such feelings would give them structure and form.

But I didn’t consider how posting those feelings might affect him.

I say might because — although I sent him a link — I’m not sure he read it. Maybe he’s busy. Or not interested. Either way, I wanted him to know the feelings I was having.

So why delete it?

I woke up early this morning feeling that I’d gone too far — that my feelings for him were personal and just between us — not public.

That even though I can post things: this is confidential.

Brother to Brother, Circa 1125 AD

Greetings from Ephram to my brother Hesychius!
You got angry for no reason.
Father Superior would not let me come.
I begged him, but he sent me with Asaph to the mayor for mead.
And when we returned, the bells were already ringing.
Why then are you angry?
I am always with you.
It hurts me that you spoke ill of me.
I bow to you, my brother, even though you say such things about me.
You are mine, and I am yours.

The preceding is a letter from one monk to another, discovered at St. George Monastery around 1125 AD. I bought a notebook at the gift shop to write out the translation printed near the exhibit when I visited the Walters Art Gallery in 2006.

Novgorod Exhibit
Walters Art Gallery
Birch Bark Document No. 605 (ca. 1125-1150)

Transit

A short piano piece I recorded this morning while thinking of my BB and the recent loss of his partner of many years.

May his transition be smooth.
May you know — you are Love.

honey dear

Honey dear…

I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely but it’s just an emotion. 

“This too shall pass.”

What I want for you more than anything is peace. For you to know that you are love and loved. That the matters of this world are little more than a game and thus should be played with – not taken so seriously.

You say you don’t have a playmate? Join the club!🙂 I have been going through my own bits of depression and confusion and often think that if only I had a partner, someone to share with, things would be better.

But I don’t have a partner. 

I instead find a way to get grounded and notice that I’m still here. The emotion that once seemed so real has faded and I’m rippling to another shore. 

I am working, obsessively determined in fact, to stand on my own and know myself. Falling in love is something I miss but every romance has its ups and downs, so it’s not a replacement for self love and self realization. In some ways, it’s a diversion. And I’m tired of suffering through identification with temporary things. 

I want to know –what– I am. 

And for that reason, I’ve continued to meditate daily even when I’m racing or depressed and don’t want to (like today). I know that it’s a discipline that reaps rewards only when done consistently just like exercise and other endeavors. It’s been my experience.

Ideally, when I meet my next lover, I’ll be standing on my own two feet, strong and yet supple, able to love him and let him love me – all without losing my center and running away with him.

As I discover my true nature in what has become a silent forest of solitude, I don’t mind being alone. I enjoy the freedom of pursuing my impulses without a vote. And yet I admit I am open to spending time with a man. Someone I trust, someone I admire, and someone I feel a deep soul shaking connection with. 

I’m not settling for anything less.

Until we meet, I’m happy to experience my own strength – alone.

for AVI131

This makes no sense,
it sounds contrite and yet…

I see these pictures of you
my heart expands ten-fold
my breathing now labored

sweat begins to
endlessly
drip
from my armpits…

A deep-seated resounding sweat
shaking me to my root
heart beating blood
to my legs
to my fingertips
to my brain
switching it off so that
I can just BE HERE
just knowing you exist

If nothing more,
I feel alive.
SO alive.
MORE alive
than ever before…

With you,
looking back,
at me…

Email to President Obama

Congratulations, Mr. President!

Your response to Hurricane Sandy was touching and impressive. Seeing you working so well with Gov. Christie was proof that miracles can happen.

Making gay marriage equality a democratic platform issue was a bold decision and I applaud you for taking a stand for it. I am a gay Navy veteran who served during the late 80’s and it wasn’t easy to lie about who I was. It was, in the end, exhausting. I saw several of my buddies get discharged for suspicion of being gay, from a program that struggles to retain qualified personnel – Naval Nuclear Power. It was a dark time.

Your repeal of DADT has had a unexpected and positive effect on my life. I have been reliving my Navy career as if it’s OK to be gay. I can imagine how good it feels for a gay service member serving today not to hide in shame or fear the threats of blackmail or dishonorable discharge. Again, you stood for what was right, not for what was popular.

It’s easy to support someone who fights so tirelessly for what he believes in. You made me proud to be an American and I’m glad you’re getting another four years. Bridging the partisan gap that binds Congress is a big challenge and I feel you can do it. Your vision for the future is strong and clear. I urge you to stay the course.

Congratulations tonight. We all believe in you.

Thank you again.

Eric Forbes
San Rafael, California


On Nov 6, 2012, at 8:52 PM, Barack Obama wrote:

Eric —

I’m about to go speak to the crowd here in Chicago, but I wanted to thank you first.

I want you to know that this wasn’t fate, and it wasn’t an accident. You made this happen.

You organized yourselves block by block. You took ownership of this campaign five and ten dollars at a time. And when it wasn’t easy, you pressed forward.

I will spend the rest of my presidency honoring your support, and doing what I can to finish what we started.

But I want you to take real pride, as I do, in how we got the chance in the first place.

Today is the clearest proof yet that, against the odds, ordinary Americans can overcome powerful interests.

There’s a lot more work to do.

But for right now: Thank you.

Barack