Angel Dialogue # 8
Sunday — 7:17 AM flying from SFO to JFK
I woke up at 3:00 AM to leave by 4:00 and get to the Marin Airporter lot and catch the 4:30 shuttle to SFO. It was my first experience using Marin Airporter and I must say, it’s pretty sweet! I usually never stop over in SF on my way to / from the airport, and decided I wasn’t going to pay $18/day for SFO long-term parking this trip, which is 15 days long. I figure I’ll save $200 using the Airporter vs. Long-Term parking, and have someone drive me down and back too. The bus reminded me of the ones the Navy contracted to take us to and from the Idaho INEL plant. Flashbacks and not in a bad way.
I had a chance to meditate on the bus ride to the airport. It was still dark outside, completely fogged in and raining on the Golden Gate Bridge. All of this created a calm atmosphere that made it easy to sit with my eyes closed for a 30 minute session. I made some affirmations and then held my breath for a few cycles while touching base with Angel. He’s already here, but I wanted to formalize it during the sit and give thanks to him for being here and guiding me.
I asked him to guide me, not just when things get rough, but all the time. I want to co-create with him as a default position. I don’t want to be pleading with my angel when things go wrong, or I need help, feel lonely, etc.
I want to be in touch with him all the time — even when I sleep.
- Hey Angel. We’re flying!
- I see that. You went to bed at 11 and woke up at 3. How are you feeling with 4 hours of sleep?
- I’m awake now. I got to the airport early enough to sit and have breakfast at the Lark Street Grill in Terminal 2, close to the gate when I boarded the plane. Very relaxing, no rushing about, and reasonable black coffee. It could have been hotter though.
- You’ll be taking a nap sometime between now and when you land in New York I imagine. Your eyes are heavy now, aren’t they?
- A little. I caught myself yawning and my eyelids dropping for a second or two. I want to be up for a bit and then nap for an hour or two. It’s a 5 hour flight. Not that bad.
- A direct flight on Virgin America in Main Cabin Select. That’s pretty sweet.
- It is. I love this new arrangement. The old way — United — sucked. Everyone on board those flights, crew and passengers, were generally pissed off and I never knew why. It didn’t matter. It’s a service-oriented business and I always felt like I was being an imposition just being there. I’m not sure how they remain in business, unless things have improved since then. I’m not willing to take a chance to find out, unless I need to take them somewhere Virgin doesn’t serve.
- How about this: get a nap right now, and then we’ll chat more when you wake up.
- Sounds great. Be back shortly…
7:31 AM PDT
[ Nap Time ]
9:31 AM PDT
- I had a few hours there of napping while listening to the SoundStream app on iPad (Shamanistic Meditation + Rain, City) and awoke to part of the Gladiator soundtrack, and am now listening to “Hotel Costes 7” and now the track “S.O.S. (The Sounds of Silence)” started playing. It’s a song I’ve heard at least a hundred times in my life, but I’ve just now discovered some of what it means. While listening, I got the impression of being supported by the buoyant forces of a freshwater lake, knowing that I can swim in it, dive under and into it, be on my back, my side, my belly. I know how this water works, and yet… I never thought I could drink it! It’s been there all this time, supporting me, holding me, surrounding me so completely, so softly, unconditionally and now I learn that I can let it in. More than that — I’ve been taking this same water in, in drips and sips all my life.
I just never knew it was everywhere!
- Oh Angel…
- I want to tell you that I got the deeper meaning of that song. I’m going to start it over again and copy the lyrics.
S.O.S. (The Sounds of Silence)
Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Within the sound of silence
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
‘Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence
“Fools” said I,
“You do not know, silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you”
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
In the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming
And the signs said,
“The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whisper’d in the sounds of silence
Written by Paul Simon
Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group
- That’s a great song. And it’s been there all along and you’ve just figured it out.
- Yes. Just like you.
- There is no end to what you’ll discover in seemingly ordinary and familiar things. Your new eyes, your new ears, all of your senses — and your heart — are able to sense the slightest vibration now. If you never ventured past this stage, you’d be full for the rest of your life and yet, I see you continuing your journey, not with an obsessive-perfectionist fervor but with a quiet, sustained, and graceful zeal. You know now what you know. And you want to see more. Is this not true?
- [Now listening to “Shakuhachi Meditation Music”]
- This is true. I feel a little overwhelmed with what I now know, coming to the fore as it did just a few weeks ago during the meditation retreat. And yet, I’m feeling myself shift into this new mode, not caring what other people think of me, just being love and light. And being with my own judgements of others, only to be there, moments later when I notice something lovely about them. It just presents itself to me, I don’t even have to engage them in conversation. I just notice “they are human too” and the need to judge them dissipates. The habit of noticing things about them I might not like (or admire), the way they slump down in the chair to nap (or sit upright with athletic poise) is still very much there. I’ve used it so often and for so many years, it’s a deep neural pathway. How do I get it to relax and recycle itself? [I’m closing my eyes and holding a deep breath as my seat mate ends a conversation with someone who came up to talk to her — as a way to bring up the signal/noise ratio between the outer and inner world.]
- The breathing techniques you learned at Strozzi are working, aren’t they?
- Yes. They work so well, I wonder why everyone isn’t doing them? Why worry about eating enough greens when I can take a few held deep breaths during the day and alkalize that way?
- It’s not quite the same thing. Greens have plant energy in them, and you know how much you crave that. The reduction of acid load in your body would be best served from several angles. Deep breathing is one new way, and you seem to be remembering to do it…
- Yes, I am. It works!
- Back to your previous question, about your habit of judgement and how to let it go. The best way I can see is for you to continue placing your attention on the new practices you’ve learned and be more and more clear in your intention for dropping down and in via meditation, deep breathing, and other methods.
Like a seesaw, lifting one side will drive the other side down.
- In the same way, your mind will stop its habitual mode of judging and thinking-it-already-knows more and more as you build your confidence in this new way, which is — really old. Many have forgotten it.
- And yet there are songs that lay it out so clearly. Once you see it, that is.
- Exactly. I suggest continuing on the path you’ve discovered and seeing that I’m here, always have and always will be here for you. Once you know this to be true, like a mathematical law, another world opens to you. You are getting as much as you can handle now. There is an infinite array…
- I do feel you there all the time now. I notice that you don’t judge me and this silence around me acts as a foil for my old ways of judging myself and others. The noise floor is so low, almost infinitely quiet, I can hear almost everything.
- Imagine hearing all that is – all at once – without getting used to it. It’s not something I’d wish on anyone, and your progress has been quick but safe so far. I’m here to make sure it remains that way. You wouldn’t know what’s too much for you, but I do. And as long as you listen…
- Oh, I’m listening! You’ve got me right where you want me.
- There’s a larger power than me and you operating here. It’s so big, it doesn’t have a name. Sound familiar?
- Yes. Silence. The Void. The Ineffable.
- Yes. You are thinking about using me as your “accountability partner” for the How to Write Better (HtWB) class you’ve started online, aren’t you?
- Yes, you know what I’m thinking.
- The idea of asking you to be my accountability partner came to mind while I was waiting for the plane to taxi to the runway and takeoff for New York. I thought of who I’d ask while taking a shower earlier this morning, and while a few close friends came to mind, I didn’t get a big hit from any one of them. Then, while being quiet and calm, waiting for things to unfold without worry or hurry, you popped into mind as the perfect accountability partner. I wanted someone like Bill, a real partner I worked with everyday, to assume this role. That would be you now. Is that OK with you?
- OK? It’s perfect. I’m expecting you to do your homework every night, starting with reading “Grammatically Correct” which you’ve been putting off. I know that the Geneen Roth book has you by the nose ring (it is good), but it’s time to dig in to the writing course and hone your writing skill. You have things to write about now. An e-stim book and something related to us, among many others.
- I heard the word “published” used while listening to the audiobook version of Truman Capote’s “In Cold Blood” and thought: “Published. That used to be a big deal back then (1950’s) but now, anyone can get published. Self-published even. And sell their work directly to the market without needing a green-light from some publishing house.” And that got me. I thought: “What am I waiting for? I live in a land of digital online printing presses and a disrupted publishing monopoly. It’s time.”
It is time!
- What will you be like after you’ve finished this course? What will you be like once you write and publish your first book, seeing your name, Eric Forbes, on the cover of a book you brought into being?
- I like the way you said “brought into being”. It feels more cooperative and less egotistical.
- And I see how important that is, not to be coming from your ego.
- It’s something I’m watching out for. I’m not even sure that I actually have a dominating ego need to have everyone know my name. The thought of doing it for that end makes the process wholly unattractive to me. But if I wrote books and songs and people loved them, and I got to be popular, would that be a bad thing? If I brought things into being that moved people emotionally, served some purpose, to teach concepts, tell stories, to inspire by sharing what’s happening to me, here now, is that going to undo me?
- No. It won’t undo you. You have a solid practice that keeps you in touch with me. If you were getting bits and pieces from me as you were before, had no meditation practice, didn’t pursue yoga as you do, you’d reach some level of success and most likely implode once the attention became more than you could handle. You’re stronger than you think. And now that you know me, you’re REALLY strong. I’m not bragging.
- I didn’t think you were! I’m a little scared. Just a little.
- It’s normal. How do you think that should feel?
How often do you begin something that will forever change your life?
- Thanks. Part of me thinks it should know how to navigate through this without fear. As if being “fearless” is a prerequisite for beginning anything new. Where did I learn that from?
- I don’t know. But I see you want to drop it from your habit stream.
- “Habit Stream”. That’s a cool way of putting it. Habits are like a stream, running with some invisible current, carrying things along without effort.
- Once it falls into the stream, it’s carried down the stream automatically. It’s the nature of a stream to engulf things and carry them towards something bigger. Like the ocean.
- So if I change my perspective from shore of the stream to river delta leading to the ocean I…
- You get it. It’s the same water. It’s the same process, but looking at it from a different perspective, higher up, to see where it eventually goes, instead of being stuck peering out of a window at the same part of the stream every day. That would be exciting though, seeing the changing seasons, the weather, the height of the water running down the stream, the fish…
- Yes, stream watching is a popular pastime! Taking the helicopter up and out towards the expanding sea is something altogether new.
- And you’re doing it. So it’s something you can do and will do more of. Flying high is supposed to be scary, at first, and then just like now — flying over land at 579 miles per hour, 37,000 feet in the sky where there’s no oxygen to breathe and the air temperature is a embrittling -42°F — you’ve grown to love it, and to enjoy it.
What once was frightening has become something to look forward to.
- The same will happen with learning to write a book, or compose, record and publish music among other pursuits.
- I believe you. And sorry for having to bring up the “journey” on the touch screen to get the facts straight. I was close, but wanted to have real data, since you’re all-knowing.
- Don’t be cute. I can cut you off you know.
- [ … ]
- Nothing to say? I like this side of you!
- When you put it like that, what can I say?
- Not much. And what you might say would be recycled drivel, so to speak. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but we’re talking about the union of man and spirit here. It’s not something to be taken lightly. Not that you are, but I want to make sure you trust me even more than you do. I know it’s scary to have this connection with me. I remember how I felt when I first made contact with my angel many lifetimes ago. The specifics of the event aren’t accessible, but the way it felt still remains with me. You have me as a resource that can go both ways, so to speak. I am your higher power, I am your angel, and I was also human and have vast memory of that experience over many lifetimes. We won’t compare notes, but always remember, I’m your strongest ally. I have your back.
- I was thinking of the power in those words — “I have your back” — the other day. It took me back to what Adam said in the L1 course. I remember how the words rippled down my spine and almost collapsed me while I was being held.
- Are you OK? You seem sad?
- I’m OK. I feel a little tight in my neck right now, and a little exhausted suddenly. Remembering that gesture brings me close to tears and tenses my neck and shoulders a bit, enough to make me feel a bit worn out.
- Take a break and do some deep breathing into those areas. Be curious. Imagine what they are trying to tell you and listen carefully, like you would listen to your best friend. It’s your body after all. Between you and me, nothing is more important or closer than that.
- Thanks. I’ll do that now. Back in a bit.
- [ … ]
- I started by closing my eyes and placing my feet on the floor instead pressing them into the footrest in front of my seat. I took a deep breath and held it, imagining a ball of light rising from my belly to my neck and shoulders, not to get rid of the pain but to look at it, curiously. That caused my breath to become spasmodic, and I thought if I kept it up any longer, I might break down right here on the plane. So I want to do this again when I get to my hotel. Can you remind me?
- I could remind you, but you have better means of doing that. I’m your muse, your angel, remember? Divine inspiration and guidance. Not a secretary.
- I thought this and wanted to write it out so I can see it in black and white. The idea of having you remind me of something seems so natural, like something that two friends do for each other.
- And I do see lots of people using each other to keep the other straight. Being accountable to someone is one thing. Shifting the burden of remembering what you think is important and want to pursue is another. You need to learn to be strong in this area, to do it yourself and you already know how. It’s another discipline, just like sitting every day. What was so hard to do, or imagine ever doing daily has now become —
- Second nature.
- Exactly. The same will happen with organizing your thoughts into their various forms. I am here to inspire you, to keep you bubbling with subtle life energy, not that I’m the source of it — I’m not — but I am a higher form than you, and you’re my human and I’m not giving you all of it. I’m giving you what I know you can handle, and you get to decide what to do with it. If you want to just feel my presence and do nothing for the rest of your life, that is one option. Many people do this. I don’t see that happening in your life though. You have so many talents, so many resources, and have created a lifestyle that affords ample opportunity for growth in new and exciting areas. You won’t be a starving musician, a struggling artist. It’s not going to happen that way for you. Your path is difficult in other ways: getting clear about your past and how it affects you now, getting new skills and honing old ones in order to express yourself in powerful and impactful ways. How’s that sound, tiger?
- Tiger. Nolan used to call me that when I was training at Crossfit. I think I might have already mentioned that in another post. I searched and found that you called me that already [why is this so important?] and I didn’t mention him. So for the record, I love it when you call me tiger. It seems cute and powerful at the same time. How can you beat that?
- You are so funny. I love having this effect on you.
- I love the effect you have on me too. I feel held. I feel seen. I feel accompanied by someone that no one can see, but I can feel. I know you’re there now, not just once in a awhile, but always.
- Always. And it’s getting close to the landing part of your journey I see.
- Yes. The interactive map shows us over PA now with 325 miles to go. At 500+ mph, that’s not a lot of time.
- So we’ll pick up on this later. I suggest reading this over and pulling out what grabs you and using OmniFocus or Evernote to organize it. That will keep the feeling of flow open and unencumbered. One day you might have an assistant. You’ve thought of that a few times now, and I can see it one day but not just yet. It’s good to have complete control at first, just like you started your business from that tiny bedroom in Bernal Heights. You did everything back then, and it served to show you how much and what kind of work was needed to turn your ideas into something people would buy. We’re going to go through the same process all over again, except that things are a little easier this time — you have more resources now. Why don’t you list them before they make you shut off your computer.
- OK. Let’s see, I am grateful to have:
- A steady income from my own business
- A modern home next to open space hills
- A great car
- A fast motorcycle
- A big black truck
- A new kitchen island and more updates on the way
- Ovens to bake things
- Big windows that let in lots of light
- A pool
- A hot tub
- My health (Wow… 11th on the list. I haven’t been sick in awhile I guess.)
- Friends I care about
- Loyal customers
- Knowledge of setting up and maintaining an e-commerce presence on AWS
- Fast, powerful, sexy computer hardware
- A grand piano
- A home music studio
- A garden fulll of plants that are flourishing
- Strong legs to carry me up hills, into the trees and everywhere I want to go
- Fresh roasted coffee
- Silence and solitude
- Space to be myself and discover what that is
- And last, but not least, an Angel who’s been with me from the start although it feels like we’ve just met, and yet, this feels so familiar, so safe and warm. I feel like I can do anything now.
- And you can! What do you want to do? Point this thing in some direction, and get organized. I’ll let you know if it’s in your highest interest or not. Trust me on that.
- I do. Thank you. I’m closing this now in order to get ready for landing and sit quietly during the process. I love the final minutes of every flight, sensing people getting themselves ready to dart off the plane as quickly as possible, while I usually take my time and remain seated until the first people exit the plane through an open door. Doing that has trained me to be still in the midst of chaos. I wonder how I’ll do in NYC after meeting you? I’m excited to see this city I love with new eyes.
- I am too. I love NYC too. The Cloisters sounds like a draw. Let’s get there and see what that’s about.
- OK. I’m done for now. Thank you. I love you.
- You are always welcome. And I love you.